All alone in the forest
by Kreigen
Summary: A friend of mine dared me to write a gay Jacob x Edward fanfiction. This is the silliness that resulted from it. Parody/romance one-shot. Don't take too seriously - I'm not even a fan.


It was a dark and moody day over the forest of the non-fictional Twilightville. The sun seemed somehow it more distant and troubled than usual, its rays oddly pale and jaded as they broke onto the dark forest floor. Nearly the only movement were the shadows of the slouching trees, swaying in and out of the dusty rays as if moving to a discrete, silent, mournful song. In the middle of the forest however stood the lone, toiling figure of a young man, digging a hole with a great iron spade, his manly hands caressing the sturdy handle with every thrust. The sun glanced off his considerable muscles as he sweated in the humid forest heat. Little did the man know however, that from a distance, a leaner, paler man gazed on with an intense glare, hiding from the light in the outline of a great tree trunk.

Edward had been watching Jacob dig this hole for quite some time now, and had still not fathomed why Jacob was indeed digging a hole with his shirt off in the middle of the day, or, as a matter of fact, why he was stood watching him. As he looked on at the young werewolf's glistening, taut skin as he continued to slave away aimlessly he began to feel a vague suspicion that he may actually be in some sort of fanfiction. As he crossed his arms thoughtfully, he came to the sudden realisation that he was also inexplicably topless.

Jacob conveniently looked up on cue to see Edward looking on in an increasingly confused manner. He lodged the spade in the ground with a definitive thud and placed his wide hands on his defined hips, waiting for the vampire to explain himself.

Edward walked forward with a tired sigh, his skin now glistening in patches from the broken sunlight.

"Why are you digging a hole in the middle of the forest?" he asked.

"Because it's manly and allows me to display my virile strength" Jacob replied gruffly, "It's also vaguely homoerotic". He puffed out his chest slightly.

Edward looked on blankly.

"Why were you watching me?" Jacob added, completing a quick thigh stretch to the side.

"I'm not sure" he answered, "But I'm suddenly feeling an undeniable desire to declare my feelings for you"

Jacob face-palmed.

"And it seems that we are all alone, in the middle of this desolate forest" Edward added thoughtfully.

"Fangirls…" Jacob shook his head, "Okay let's get this over with, I'm getting pretty fed up of this"

Jacob started towards Edward purposefully, feeling a rising anticipation from the base of his stomach to the top of his defined chin.

"Wait!" cried out Edward, "Aren't you seventeen?"

Jacob raised an eyebrow incredulously.

"No I'm eighteen now!"

Edward made a small fist pump of success. Jacob reeled back slightly,

"That was pretty creepy"

Edward awkwardly messed with his Loreal-perfected hair and shuffled his feet.

"Look forget it" Jacob made towards him again, "The writer isn't going to give up"

Edward placed out a hand again,

"Wait wait wait, aren't you also half-dog?" Edward shook his head in horror.

"Yes" murmured Jacob self-consciously, "But technically you are dead"

Edward shrugged,

"Fair dos"

The two men felt the tension rise as they made to kiss each other, their naked torsos coming dangerously close to making contact for the very first time, the very forbidden nature of their love making the union even more heart wrenching.

Jacob halted just before the kiss.

"You don't look that into it…" he complained.

"What do you mean?" Edward threw his hands out, "I'm doing the best I can!"

"You just look…" Jacob sighed, "A bit bored"

"That's just the way my face always looks"

"Can't you at least…." Jacob winced slightly, "_Try_ to smile?"

"It's botox" Edward replied deadpan.

Jacob looked on with a poker face.

"Yeah…." Edward continued, "I haven't changed my expression since I played that kid in Harry-"

"DO NOT SPEAK THE FORBIDDEN PHRASE!" Jacob yelled.

"Oooooo…." Edward flopped his hand forward, "Someone's a little testy"

"It's the steroids" Jacob grumbled.

"You're hot when you are angry…" Edward leered.

The two men made to kiss once more…now consigned to their fate as the object of obsession for millions of bored teenage girls across the World.

"What are you guys doing?"

The two men broke apart guiltily to see Bella, their joint object of affection stood watching them with an amused expression on her face.

"How did you get here?" the two men cried out in unison.

"Fanfiction logic" Bella declared, "A stronger force than gravity!"

The two men suddenly rushed to get out of each other's personal space, standing as far away from each other as possible. Both began to flex their abs at the woman to make their own look more defined and toned that the other's.

"It isn't what it looks like" Edward pleaded.

Bella shrugged,

"Oh I don't care!" she smiled, "I just came to tell you I'm leaving the both of you!"

The two men's jaws dropped simultaneously.

"Yeah, I've been doing your sister – the name of which the writer of this story is not too sure of" Bella announced joyfully, "Point being - I'm a lesbian now"

Jacob and Edward stood speechless.

"Anyway see you later! Have fun…doing…" she laughed, "Each other"

At a blink of an eye, Bella disappeared from the story.

Jacob and Edward, slowly turned to look at each other.

"What the f*** just happened?" Jacob cried.

"Not too sure…" Edward mused.

Jacob sighed in a defeated manner,

"Want to go eat ice cream out of the tub, snuggle and watch Queer as Folk?" he ventured.

"I thought you'd never ask!" Edward smiled.

They walked off, hand in hand into the distant horizon.

THE END.


End file.
